DC’s Dozen is a Top 12 list focused on the WWE Universe past and present. It’s like a Top 10 List only with, umm, 2 more things. Feel free to let me know what I missed or where you disagree in the comments below.
Garbage Cans, Giant Scissors, Caddle Prods. Long gone are the days of wrestlers carrying props to the ring from their supposed day jobs. Today’s wrestlers are frankly quite lazy in their career goals. It seems that outside of Triple H (Exec. VP of Talent, WWE) and The Miz (A-list celebrity and actor) most wrestlers today are just simply…well, wrestlers. As the Hedley’s from In Living Color’s “Hey Mon” sketch might say “One job, you call that labor”? So let’s take a look at who was really making the bling outside the ring and truly maximizing their side hustle (that’s what the kids today are calling having a second job). Unless otherwise noted, figures quoted are for average US salaries.
Honorable Mention (Tag Team) The Godwinns (Pig/Hog Farmers) – $28,500. Everyone’s favorite overall-clad duo were given the names that would coincidentally become their lot in life (I mean if you were brothers born with the initials P.I.G. and H.O.G., how could you NOT be Pig/Hog farmers?). Sloppin’ ain’t easy, especially when you’re at the bottom of the food chain at your local hog farm. Fortunately, hog farming is a growth industry, as with a little training they could rake in another $13k more a year in management. I believe that’s what they call making it to “Hog Heaven” in the industry.
12. Brutus the Barber Beefcake (Barber) – $30,844. This number may be a little inflated as you’d probably have to account for the purchase of those giant custom hedge clippers he always toted around with him and never used. However, it seemed like he did all his clipping inside the ring, so that might save on barber shop rental, so it kind of evens out. I’m assuming Shawn Michaels reimbursed him for the busted barber shop window.
11. Duke the Dumpster Droese (Garbage Man) – $33,800. Now had he wrestled under his current job of special education teacher and oxycodone distributor, he would surely get out of the salary dumps. On this list, unfortunately, the Trashman Slummeth. Random Fun Fact – Duke actually handed Triple H his first loss in WWE.
10. Doink the Clown (Clown) – $36,000. Hard to pin down exactly what type of clown Doink actually performed as. He wasn’t a mime or a rodeo clown so we can throw those choices over the top rope of the proverbial Side Hustle Battle Royal. As a face, he was likely spending his off days as a children’s birthday clown (as a heel I guess he was some sort of creepy performance artist). With all the clown scares over the last year, clowns are really getting hit hard in the pocket book. Throw in all the out-of-pocket expenses for makeup and a cadre of mini clowns and this jokester isn’t exactly laughing all the way to the bank.
9. The Big Bossman (Cobb County Georgia Correctional Officer) – $41,306. This one was easier to pin down as the former Ray Traylor was very specifically a correctional officer from Cobb County Georgia. Did anyone actually ever meet a real Cobb County Georgia corrections officer? They must have LOVED this gimmick! So if you want a job making perps walk the line, you could be assured a salary of just above the $40k mark. Not sure how you can successfully work two full time jobs – (crime doesn’t take the weekends off), but regardless you better watch out boy, or the Big Bossman will find a way to make you serve hard time.
8. Repo Man (Involuntary Repo Man) – $50,000. Wrestling under the pseudonym Smash, Barry Darsow soon found that modeling the latest S&M clothing line didn’t exactly pay the bills. He then turned to the much more lucrative world of taking back items from deadbeat punks, where we can clearly tell from his vignettes he partook in repossession of the involuntary sort (I mean what little kid WANTS to have their bike repossessed?).
7. Thurman Sparky Plugg (Amateur Racecar Driver) – $56,000. Hard to pin down where on the salary scale this generic racecar driver actually falls. In the ranks of amateur racing, sponsorship is often where the real cash comes in to play. Unless “X” and “R1” are paying for placement on Sparky’s jacket I can’t imagine this is his main source of income. Let’s just assume he made a lot of quick left turns and won a lot of races.
6. (tie). General Adnan (General, Iraqi Army) – $62,400. Based on the supposed salary of Iraqi soldiers, one could expect Sgt. Slaughter’s no. two to only be pulling in a few grand a year (though still more coin than the lower ranking Colonel Mustafa, and even more so than Slaughter himself, since I couldn’t find any evidence that Sergeant is an actual title in the Iraqi military). However, given his heel alignment, one could presume that Adnan was also a very shady, corrupt figure. Therefore, he could be netting another 60k from unsavory practices.
6. (tie) The Undertaker (Undertaker/Funeral Director) – $62,400. This salary might actually be more realistic for the late Paul Bearer, as it seemed he was the actual funeral home director. Did Undertaker just dig graves or stand around creeping out the deceased’s families? Well, let’s play the Devil’s Favorite Advocate and assume that Taker took up Bearer’s practice after his death. He could net over 60k for his troubles, thus helping him foot the bill for Yokozuna caskets, Sara tattoos and removals, and whatever else it is Deadmen like spending their money on.
5. I.R.S. (Tax Collector, I.R.S.) – $65,000. I was surprised to find that working for the I.R.S. doesn’t let you sniff 6 figures a year, which may be why I.R.S. was always so adamant that tax cheats pay their fair share. However, working with the Millon Dollar Man and keeping him out of tax trouble for so many years must have had some extra benefits. This certainly must have helped when it was time to put Bray and Bo through wrestling school.
4. The Mountie (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) – $86,110. A rookie cadet with the RCMP only pulls in about 53k a year. However, it was clear Jacques Rougeau was no rookie, so he’d at least be pulling in 86k a year. Surely, there were bonuses too for ALWAYS getting his man.
3. The Goon (Minor League Hockey Player?) – $90,000. This might be a little on the high side, but it’s hard to assess exactly where The Goon was in his hockey playing career. He certainly wasn’t in the NHL. Was he retired by time he joined the WWF? Was he just a guy who liked playing hockey in a weekend men’s league? He seems to be on some logo-less affiliate of the NJ Devils. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he was an AHL player (the NHL’s AAA if you will), which would net him almost 6 figures. Apparently, when compared to MLB, the NHL’s minor league system really takes care of its players.
2. Bret Hitman Hart (Hitman) – $121,882. I’m going on the assumption that Mr. Hart was truthful when he said he was “the best there is the best there was and the best that ever will be” and that this mantra applied to his murder-for-hire business as well. If that’s the case, then surely Bret would have surpassed the average 70k salary and moved into the top ten percent (those who are excellent at executing) where hitmen earn over 120k.
1. Isaac Yankem, D.D.S. (Dentist) – $125,174. Unlike their WWE feud, the future mayoral candidate can claim a victory over the aforementioned Excellence of Execution. Yes indeed, number one on our list is none other than dentist to the stars, Isaac Yankem D.D.S.. In fact, we were introduced to Yankem, when Jerry Lawler needed to go Yankem to repair halitosis and other dental related maladies brought on by the feet of number two on our list, Bret Hart. Said Lawler at the time “your feet were the smelliest there is, the smelliest there was and the smelliest there ever will be.”. I guess there’s good money in “extracting revenge”, as ol’ Isaac drilled his way to the top of our list.
The Real DC (yes that IS his real name) is a blogger/humorist, & subpar identity concealer. Follow me on twitter @TheNotFakeDC.