Linda McMahon Senate Confirmation Hearing

Linda McMahon was recently named to the Trump administration’s cabinet to lead the Small Business Administration (SBA). Man I wish I was a senator. I feel like the Senator’s who questioned her totally asked her the wrong questions. Here’s how it should have went down.

Linda McMahon – Senate Confirmation Hearing

Senator DC: Mrs. McMahon, thanks for taking the time to come before the panel today and answer our questions.

Linda McMahon: Yes, my pleasure. I’m looking forward to serving the small business owners of our great nation.

Senator DC: Yes, so Mrs. McMahon let’s get down to business. I’d like to call the committee’s attention to your time with World Wrestling Entertainment.

Linda McMahon: I’m very proud of my time with WWE. My husband and I grew the company from a small business into a billion dollar global organization. As head of the small business…

Senator DC: Yes, Mrs. McMahon we’re all aware of your work behind the scenes. But what I’d like to discuss today is your time in front of the camera, because frankly it’s very troubling.

Linda McMahon - Senate Confirmation Hearing
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, if ya smell…what the Linda is cooking!

Linda McMahon: You do realize…

Senator DC: Mrs. McMahon, this is my time on the floor here, I ask that you don’t interrupt me. Let’s take a trip back to 1999 shall we. You made a very strange business decision that frankly I’m surprised no one has called you out on. You own shares of your husband’s company WWE. Is this correct?

Linda McMahon: Yes.

Senator DC: And do you agree that holding shares of stock is an important responsibility?

Linda McMahon: Well, yes.

Senator DC: And you would actively monitor those who would acquire large shares of stock in your corporation?

Linda McMahon: Again yes, but.

Senator DC: Then why, may I ask would you give, not even sell, a significant portion of your company by frivolously handing away your company shares to a self-described, and I quote “Beer Swilling, Finger Flippin’ Bionic Redneck” named Stone Cold Steve Austin? And this was to accomplish what? To get back at your husband? Please, the floor is yours Mrs. McMahon. Enlighten us.

Linda McMahon - Senate Confirmation Hearing, Stone Cold Steve Austin
“Beer? No thanks. I’m bringing the cabernet to the Cabinet.”

Linda McMahon: As I’ve been trying to say Senator DC. From the years 1999 to the present, I have intermittently played a character on WWE programming, Mrs. McMahon.

Senator DC: Mrs. McMahon, huh? Sounds awfully similar to your name.

Linda McMahon: Well yes, my “character” is the wife of the Mr. McMahon character

Senator DC: Are you and this Mr. McMahon married in real life?

Linda McMahon: Well, yes. I mean no. Yes, the character of Mr. McMahon and I are married on screen, but I am actually married to Vince McMahon in real life too, yes.

Linda McMahon - Senate Confirmation Hearing, with Vince
…and he would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling Lindas.

Senator DC: It sounds like you can’t even keep your marriage straight. How are the American people to trust you to keep the dealings of our fine small business straight? Furthermore, should we expect you to allocate small business resources on a whim to the Stone Cold Steve Austin’s of the world just because you have a grudge?

Linda McMahon: Again, this was a story. WWE is like a soap opera and…

Senator DC: Do you think Washington, DC is a soap opera?

Linda McMahon: This is ridiculous. Can we move on to something relevant to the job I’ve been chosen to do?

Linda McMahon Senate Confirmation Hearing
“I’m gonna stomp a mudhole in the SBA THIS big”

Senator DC: Ok, Mrs. McMahon let me try a different tact. You would agree that the demands of a cabinet level position requires one to be of sound mind and mental acquity. Do you agree with this?

Linda McMahon: Well of course. I have my BA from East Carolina University. I’ve served as a member of the Connecticut Board of Education. I…

Senator DC: Yes, no one is questioning your education background ma’am. What I do want to examine is your own mental well being.

Linda McMahon: (looks puzzled)

Senator DC: Let’s fast forward in your resume to the year 2000. You take a leave of absence from the WWE due to a “nervous breakdown”. We then see you on TV in a coma. You would only come out of said coma for the chance to humiliate your husband. Now granted, he had been cheating on you with a woman half his age while you were laying comatose in the hospital. But in what would become part of a disturbing pattern, you kick your husband in the groin in front of millions of television viewers across the country. Not exactly behavior fitting someone seeking a post in the President’s cabinet.

Linda McMahon: Again, Senator…

Senator DC: If I may continue Mrs. McMahon. We then see you in 2005 again with another marked mental health issue. After suffering a Stone Cold Stunner, mind you from the same Stone Cold Steve Austin you chose to give your shares of the company to, you were suddenly set on edge, firing one of the most beloved employees of your organization, Jim Ross. A man who struggled with Bells Palsy and yet you thought it fit not only to fire this man, but again, kick him in the groin for good measure. It seems you had a real change of heart, a change of character if you will.

Linda McMahon Senate Confirmation Hearing, Jim Ross
Linda would soon change Good Ol’ JR’s condition from Bells Palsy to Balls Paryalzed. Well, I mean he’d still have Bells Palsy. It’s not like getting kicked in the junk cures that.

Linda McMahon : (becoming increasingly upset) Yes, this is what is known as a heel turn in the industry. My character had run her course as a good guy or “face” and the writers decided…

Senator DC: Yes, I love it ladies and gentlemen. Will you listen to this? “The writers decided.” Are the writers going to decide how you conduct business in the cabinet?

Linda McMahon: (continuing to get visibly agitated) Really, with all due respect sir.

Senator DC: Mrs. McMahon are you fit to handle this job? Are you fit to conduct business in the executive branch of the government of the United States of America?

Linda McMahon: (finally snapping) Fine, it’s true it’s all true. My family is a mess. I fight with them all the time. You’ve seen my kids, Shane and Stephanie. They can’t solve their problems like well-adjusted adults. Everything in our family gets solved with fists and in the squared circle. It’s not normal. Don’t you think I realize this? I’m not mentally fit for this job or any job. I can’t run a business like a regular human being. When I get scared I fight. Maybe it’s not conventional, but it gets the job done. When I get backed into the corner I call on goons like the Big Show, and Undertaker, and Stone Cold Steve Austin to do my dirty work.

GLASS SHATTERS!

Just then Stone Cold Steve Austin’s music hits, the glass door of the Senate confirmation hearing room shatters. Stone Cold comes swaggering in to the proceedings.

Senator DC is stunned. Linda kicks Senator DC in the groin and walks off. As the senator is hunched over in pain, he is hit with a Stone Cold Stunner.

Linda McMahon - Senate Confirmation, Stone Cold Stunner
The Senate Cold Stunner

Linda McMahon: And that’s the bottom line, ‘cuz Linda McMahon says so.

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