Need a Tennessee Tophat for that formal ball? Traveling to Canada without a proper Canadian Passport? Short on funds? Well, through the power of couponing even YOU (of the evenly-fronted-and-backed hair style) can be the envy of Andre Agassi’s, Jaromir Jagr’s, and Billy Ray Cyruses everywhere. Here’s how to do it…along with some other shopping tips for the Mullet-minded.
The simple answer…coupons! How do you pronounce coupon? COO-PON? CUE-PON? Perhaps, the uber-sophisticated COW-PEN? No matter how you say it, it’s your ticket to a barrel ride over a Kentucky Waterfall. When it comes to shopping, I take after my mother. She was a couponer. We couldn’t leave the house without her asking us to wait to see if she had a coupon. My friends thought this was really cool! Real DC I wish MY mom saved ME 50 cents!
Recently, I saw a coupon for a five dollar haircut. My wife (Mrs. TheRealDC) was like, “How good can a haircut be for five bucks?” I was like “How bad can it be for 5 bucks? What’s the worst they can do? Give me a mullet? Even then, I’ll have my five dollar mullet story.”
Quite simply, there’s nothing more satisfying in this life than getting a discount mullet. It’s not like they can mess it up (what’s the barber gonna do, leave it TOO long in the back?). And the price? I mean how much can you really expect to pay for this follicle finessing? I’ll let you mull-et over, but anything more than 5 bucks is absurd, frankly. It’s not like they have to do anything in the back (just let it grow) and the front/top just needs a quick trim. So gentlemen (and ladies…I know you’re reading this Markie Post) get to your local barber, print out a piece of paper that says $5 haircut (it doesn’t have to even be a real coupon, because any barber shop/salon that’s gonna blow their reputation by styling mullet can’t be choosy) and get ready to make that Missouri Compromise.
When NOT To Use Coupons
Using coupons can be addicting, even when you’re not redeeming them to look like Brian Bosworth in 1991’s smash hit Stone Cold. I think I’ve probably spent more money by using coupons then I’ve saved by actually redeeming them.
Ex: Going out to eat because you have a $5 off coupon will probably still end up costing you much more than if you just stayed in and made your own food.
Getting those Acme Rat Traps for only 50 cents, just ‘cuz ya had a coupon, still means you spent 50 cents. Keep them fingers crossed (P.S. – crossing your fingers is totally foolproof in ALL situations) and maybe one day you’ll be lucky enough to have a rat infestation. Then you’ll feel smart and thrifty, right?
I’ve found that the best time to use coupons is when shopping in stores that aren’t used to taking coupons, while being in a shady neighborhood, with a line behind you. Also, if you have a digital coupon it really makes things more timely and less confusing for all involved. It is also recommended that you argue tooth and nail to get your coupon savings in this scenario.
Me: Yeah, I have this 35-Cents-Off digital coupon for a can of Mug Root Beer (I am very picky about my root beer. I would honestly get mad if you offered me a Barq’s. It is the worst garbage root boor on the market – it’s all carbonation).
Me: It’s a digital coupon. It’s on my phone. How do I redeem it?
Cashier: I don’t know if we take those.
The people on line begin staring daggers at me.
Me: No, you do. I can show you the fine print. It says buy one 12 oz. can of any Pepsi brand product.
Cashier: That’s root beer..
Me: Yes, Mug is part of the greater PepsiCo brand. Can you get a manager?
Cashier: (over intercom) Can I get a manager to checkout line 3?
Me: You see it says 35 cents off at any Singles Captain (guess which store I’m alluding to?!!) retail location.
BANG! I am killed…not by any angry customer. It was the manager actually. The manager wasn’t having my malarkey today. The customer line erupts in wild hootin’ and hollering and the next customer brings their items to the cashier. Life goes on. All I wanted was a PepsiCo brand beverage. Just one PepsiCo brand beverage.
Shopping Tips Even a Mullet Can Use
So after you’ve scored your five dollar mullet, you might want to show it off at the local mall. Did you notice there’s a store in the mall called The Limited? Why would you want to advertise your deficiencies right on the marquee?!?!
“Sorry m’am we only carry shoes in a size 9..we’re Limited. We can only sell you one sock..and it’s got a hole in it…like I said, we’re Limited…why don’t you try the Limited Too? Oh wait, their stock is Limited…too.”
Where I live there’s only one General Store in town (it’s right next to the General Hospital). We sure do have a lot of specific stores though. There’s a store by me called Sneakers Plus. On their sign it says “Sneakers Plus…” , but right under their sign is a sign for Carvel Ice Cream. It makes me think it’s one place; Sneakers Plus Carvel Ice Cream. Shoes and ice cream together, what a concept! Sadly, although I’ve never procured a Fudgie the Whale from Sneakers Plus, I do usually leave with a great pair of Etonics, British Knights, and/or Reebok Pumps (or whatever old, funny sounding shoe you can think of).
You ever see those barber shops that put up their first dollar bills they ever made up on the wall (you’ll never forget the first time someone paid you actual cash to give them a mullet)? I dunno – if I ever had a business I don’t think I would do that. That seems like…a waste of money. How are you ever gonna get in the black if you’re framing your profits? What they should do is take that dollar bill out of the frame and instead put it in the register and count it towards their profits, thus giving them more capital to invest in their business. I’m no small business expert (though I have watched Linda McMahon’s confirmation hearing) but this can only help the bottom line in the long term.
Party In The Back, Business Online
So many places today offer online shopping (though unfortunately, no mail order mullets just yet). Many of them offer free shipping now. Makes me kinda pine for the days of shipping and handling charges. Well, not really but I have a joke I need to introduce. I mean I get the shipping costs; yeah it costs money to ship something. Understood. Trucks and planes don’t run for free. But what’s up with handling? I mean how hard is it to handle my CD and put it in a box? (Yes, I still buy CD’s…CD’s rule, digital cloud based nonsense drools!).
I mean I could see if I was ordering hot coals (or a potato), then there’s some injury risk involved; fine I’ll give you a handling charge for that. Or ya know, if I’m shipping a rabid tiger, I get it, you might have to stick him with a tranquilizer or something. Frankly however, I don’t want some warehouse worker fondling my goods and I certainly don’t want to pay him to do it.
“Companies should definitely be more upfront with their customers and call it a Shipping and FONDLING Charge.”
So how many of you have or have ever had a mullet? How much did you pay for it? Let me know in the comments below…(For the record, I had multiple mullets in my middle-school days in the late 80’s/early 90’s…probably paid about $8 to have this perpetrated upon myself.)